Hope
by Border of Insanity
Summary: I was hopeful of our relationship. I was hopeful and stupid. I knew it wasn't going anywhere. I knew there was no chance he would change his mind, yet I was determined to hope...


**This is my first story on this website, so I hope you don't hate it.**

**Hope. Get it?**

**...Sorry, I shouldn't have done that. It's a good thing this isn't a humor.**

**This story was beta read by mychempoison23! Thank you so much! You're awesome beyond belief!**

**Disclaimer: I own none of the characters in this story.**

* * *

The sun crept in through the small cracks in the blinds. Its shine managed to sneak under my eyelids, forcing them open. Lazily, I rolled over to see the other side of the bed. Everything was still blurry, but I had a premonition that the spot was vacant before I checked. In all honesty, I wouldn't even have to look, and I'd know.

The comforter was ruffled and folded back somewhat diagonally. It was easy to tell someone had been sleeping there. However, it was saddening to see the empty space, so I closed my eyes, and pretended he was still there. I extended my hand to feel the sheets. They were still warm.

_He was just here... No, he is here._

I can see his pale hair, stoic facial expression, and soft, violet eyes. Remembering his large build and shy tendencies put a smile on my face. When I opened my eyes again, reality set in.

I was alone.

Birds were chirping at each other happily, as if today was the best day to be alive. I disagree. With a loud yawn, I turned over to lie on my back. The sounds of the outside world allowed me to paint a picture in my mind. The mental scenery was enough to irritate me. After a while, the ceiling's white paint began to annoy me as well, so I decided it was time to get up. I put on a clean pair of boxers and stretched my sore limbs. Leisurely, I schlepped towards the kitchen. The floor was cold, but my sandals were too far away for me to care.

I should've known that there was nothing to eat. The only things in the fridge were cheese, syrup, and ketchup. The pantry was the same, bare except for canned peas and stale pretzels.

_It's okay, I'm not hungry._

I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth. The entire time, I stared at my reflection wondering why I would want food if I wasn't hungry.

_I guess I'm going out for breakfast..._

After a quick glance at my watch, I corrected myself.

_Lunch._

I got ready to go out; I took a shower, combed my hair, threw on some clean clothes, the works. As I headed for the door, _American_ by Macklemore started playing. I dug into my pocket and lazily checked the caller ID.

"Hey dude! What's up?!" My voice came out seeming eager, and full of excitement.

_I sound so happy…_

"Last night was fun."

_Then why didn't you stay?_

"I was wondering when we could do that again," the voice explained.

_That's the only reason you ever call, isn't it?_

"I don't know Ivan, I'm pretty busy. We can do it again when I'm free."

_If I wait too long, he'll find someone else._

"Maybe you could come with me to go get lunch?" I asked, borderline desperate, but my voice didn't show it. My voice would never show it.

I was hopeful of our relationship. I wanted it be something more than sex. Each time he called, I asked the same question, and he always answered the same way.

The Russian sighed. "You know I can't. We have a good thing going. Why would you want to ruin it?"

"I just-"

"Remember what we agreed on? No strings attached. Call me when you're free." His words were immediately followed by the dial-tone.

I was hopeful and stupid. I knew it wasn't going anywhere. I knew there was no chance he would change his mind, yet I was determined to hope... I stared at the phone and was tempted to call back and say that I was free tonight. Free now, but I don't want to sound easy… even if I am. After shaking my head to clear all thoughts from my mind, I stuffed my mobile into my front pocket. On my way to the door, I stopped in front of a mirror. I was wearing a plain, white Tee, jeans, converse, and a practiced smile to pull it all together. Quickly, I grabbed my keys and headed out.

At the McDonalds, my mind wandered back to the question of why I eat if I'm not hungry.

_Maybe I eat to fill a void._

I looked down at my burger and took a large bite.

_It doesn't work._

I kept eating though. I suppose it was a futile attempt, but that wasn't going to stop me from trying. Lazily, I glanced out the window onto the world beyond. I watched, wordlessly, as people, one after the other, passed by. Each with their own lives and problems. Briefly, I wondered if any of them were like me. One of them had to be, right? I can't be the only person who thinks these things... the only one who lives like I do. I shifted my focus and the vision changed. Before me, was a sandy haired, above average height, male. He was fresh out of college, but his blue eyes looked lifeless. With a straight nose and lean build, the American appeared quite handsome; however, he never thought so. I turned away from my reflection and glanced at the bright yellow M amidst the sea of red.

_Why do I remember this as tasting better?_

I took another bite of my burger, and kept eating until only the paper was left.

_Maybe I just need to eat more of them..._

I used the window's glass as a mirror to practice a few smiles before deciding on one that appeared the most genuine. With a sigh, I crumpled the paper and tossed it into the nearest trash can. After a cheery discussion with the cashier, I came back with a tray full of hamburgers.

Even as I stared at the cluster of wrapping paper, I felt empty. I reapplied my smile and went back home.

I spent hours lying in bed, ogling the empty space and wishing that he was there. Ivan always made me feel a little less empty. He… I don't really know what it is, but, whenever he's with me I feel complete. For the rare and brief moments we're together outside of the bedroom, I'm happy. Even if it's just a passing 'hello' as we cross paths. He gave my life meaning.

After a couple more minutes, I scanned my room. My jacket was resting on the chair in the corner. Languidly, I retrieved the item and put it on. Its warmth reminded me of Ivan. I fell back onto the bed and began a staring contest with the ceiling.

The plafond won when I turned away to make a Skype call. My laptop was on the living room table. I got up with a grunt and trudged across my apartment to the large sofa. I lifted the screen and tapped the power button. One of the perks of sleep mode was being able to use my computer without waiting for it to turn on.

"Hi," the Canadian greeted softly.

"Hey bro!" The voice that came out was loud and cheerful, just like I had practiced. I put on a huge smile and waved furiously at the webcam.

"What's new? How's working as a –what is it that you do exactly?" Matthew asked as an expression of confusion took over his visage. I was right about to reply when an albino walked into the shot. The German walked over to his boyfriend and planted a chaste kiss upon his lips. He whispered something to the sandy blond that caused him to blush. "Not now," the Canadian stated, thinking that would be the end of it. Gilbert simply smirked as he leaned in to blow on his lover's ear, and then kissed down his neck. That sent a chill through the Canadian, causing his face to redden. However, Matthew had more self-control than his love. He pushed the silverette away and pointed to the laptop. "I'm talking to Alfred on video chat."

The albino waved at the camera with a quick smile and salutation of 'Hey Alfred', before going back to seducing his boyfriend. He pushed the younger down onto the couch so that he was lying on his back, and then began to devour his mouth. The blue eyed man's resolve weakened at an exponential pace until there was none left. Soon the Canadian was shirtless and moaning into the albino's kisses.

With a sigh, I put down the top of my laptop. Ever since those two started dating talking to Matthew had become near impossible. The only person I really talk to nowadays is Ivan…

* * *

I don't remember when I came back into my room. Nor do I remember falling asleep, but I woke up hours later. It was about nine when I finally convinced myself to check the time.

_Well that was an excellent way to spend my day off._

I closed my eyes and took in the serenity of my room. At least, that's what I wished I could do... The sound of silence pierced my ears. The darkness blinded me. The chill of the room had me shivering. My eyes scrunched up in an effort to stay shut, but it didn't work. I was forced to lie in the cold, dark, silence alone.

_I wonder if this is what death feels like?_

All the nothingness gave me time to think, too much time. I was overwhelmed with loneliness. It was becoming unbearable. It ate at my insides, devouring my every being from the core outwards. Memories. Painful memories, stabbed my brain. From the slightest awkward moment to the most epic of fails. They fluttered across my mind, each one more agonizing than the last.

I wanted nothing more than to forget them all. To claw into my skull and tear the memories straight out of my brain. Clutching the sides of my head did nothing to ease my pain. It only reassured the belief that I needed him. Slowly, I pulled out my cell and searched through contact list for his name. Even though I regretted making the call before I touched my mobile, I dialed it. Consequences be damned, future me could lament my mistakes.

When I answered the door, there was no conversation, only lips crashing into each other. Clothes were discarded unceremoniously on the way to the room as hands ran along bare skin. For me, being under his watchful gaze and subjected to his soft touch was complete and utter bliss...

* * *

Ivan snuck out of bed to clean off. It wasn't long before he had taken a quick shower was fully clothed. He inadvertently ambled back to the bedside, the half that Alfred was currently occupying. The Russian found himself running his fingers through his American lover's soft hair. This only made him regret his departure even more. He kissed the sandy haired blond's forehead, and then backed up. There was no way he could risk spending the night again. It was a shame though. Ivan loved the American more than sunflowers -which were now the second most important thing in his life, mind you-, but he wasn't going to put Alfred in danger. If Natalya ever found out about him… Ivan would never be able to forgive himself.

The Russian wrapped the scarf around his neck and headed out.

_Maybe one day..._

With a hopeful smile, he glanced over his shoulder to look at his lover one last time.

_We'll be together the way you want. The way we both want... In a real relationship._

He turned forward once more, feeling despair set in. Silently, he exited the bedroom and walked home through the cold night.

_Until that day, I'll keep hoping..._

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**A/N: Please tell me what you think in a review. That would be much appreciated.  
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